14 Feb, 2009 - Mattering

Today was quite a day. There were disputes, disgruntlements and several depressing classes. Each of these disputes and disgruntlements were so petty, stupid and insignificant, that I decided not to get involved particularly. I have apparently lost my passion, and I simply don’t have the will to stick up for myself quite so much. As yet, I am undecided whether this is a good or bad thing.

I got upset. I get upset easily when anger is involved, and I suppose I am too afraid. To me, these petty issues matter so little that I am not willing to defend them. This terrifies me. What if, when something really important comes along, I do not have the strength to say anything. The next holocaust, or someone in pain at my potential danger. Would I have the courage to step forward? I do not know…

Someone I know told me not to live in fear yesterday. And today, she was arguing with me over a vase. I walked away, bought a vase for $2 and got on with my life. Was I wrong in doing that, and simply avoiding confrontation? Somehow, I don’t feel wrong. I feel weak, but that felt right, and I am now sitting in my room, with my vase and some beautiful flowers. Tomorrow I will pin up photos from home and pictures I love, go to the gym for a while (perhaps the pool), relax a bit and read. Lots of reading. Tuesday has been set aside for myself and my wonderful, dear friend to go for paninis’ and random exploration, and generally get out of the boxes in which we live.

However, despite all these petty things, today was very deep for me. I have a double Holocaust history class, followed by a seminar, and I always leave the room thinking, for better or worse. Today, we watched sections from Shoah, one of the greatest testimony recordings ever created (and I use that word specifically). I started thinking, and didn’t really stop all day, ending up watching Paperclips.

Nothing was graphic as such - simply symbolic gestures of all levels. I cried. I cried in Shoah, very almost in Paperclips, and certainly did after the dispute with my friend. Today, I am fragile. But somehow, I am delighting in that fragility. Tomorrow, (before the gym?) I am planning on picking up the films Bent, Shoah and perhaps God on Trial. This is very hard for me, but very good. My ministry, my studies and I myself will become better from the battles I face, including those I step away from. Some things matter more.