15 Apr, 2009 - Did you know?

Apologies for my late postings, I will get back to speed soon enough!

I realise many may have seen this, but for those who haven't - an eye opener:

19 Feb, 2009 - The Man who Danced...

Today has been a long, hard day. Not a bad day - I try to remind myself that there is no such thing as a bad day, only a day of challenges and hard moments. But it was certainly full of those, and I have shed tears.

I lied today. A lie which did little damage, but changed the shape of the universal web, and a lie which was simply that - a lie. It did no harm but was still not right. I am sorry for that. As part of a conversation on sin within UU beliefs, Franke recounted a memory of her father’s view on deceit - that it simply wasn’t useful and thus did not merit use. I feel like a coward at this point, but sometimes, I need those little white lies. I will become stronger and try not to. It is something I must work on.

However, since I have started writing here, I have become perpetually conscious of my environment, more so than before. This is the source of the title of this post - the man who danced. I was sitting in a coffee shop, attempting (and failing) to read various articles for next week’s work, when I happened to glance up at those around me. Directly in front of the table was a medium-tall young man, with medium length, blonde hair, who was jigging, miming words, and stamping his foot surreptitiously. He was smartly dressed, a suit and conservative looking tie. However, my gaydar twinged slightly at his movements, and his smiling dance was so infectious, that I soon found myself smiling too. I saw a mixture of reactions; some stepped away awkwardly, some glared, others attempted to ignore. The man simply didn’t care. He knew that beyond the music of his headphones was a world of vague and undefined condemnation of such strange practices as a grown, suited man dancing in the queue of a coffee shop, but for him, that didn’t matter. I need to learn to live despite people’s judgements, and not be controlled or suppressed by them.

I am repeatedly shocked by the views of many of the people I am surrounded by here, namely due to my living in a very conservative area. My roommate freely expresses condemnation, and despite professing adamantly to not being a homophobe, these tendencies are clear. She judges and justifies her faith via her judgements, and life for her is simply black and white. Repeatedly, she has told me that she does not have the right to judge who goes to hell, but only is certain of her place in heaven, along with all those who believe in the traditional image of Jesus Christ. To be honest, I shudder at that heaven. However, I also fear her vision of hell, and fear ending up there, despite not actually believing in such a place. Rather, it is the hell that she has created and in which I have been placed that I fear - I do not wish to be condemned to even one person’s eternal damnation, within her heart. That is not fair, just or merciful. I fear her. So I have moved to have my own space - unfortunately, pettiness has ensued. I honestly believe that I am not at fault, but long story short, I feel judged, damned and she simply wishes all elements that infer my previous presence removed, despite their cost. That hurts, more than I can say.

Tonight was also interesting - a religious book meeting I attended that is normally intensely provocative and rewarding, left me feeling cold. I am simply feeling stressed from this whole roommate issue, and some of the other battles of life. The topic of conversation turned to how we can effect change in our world and I expressed the difficulties I had had volunteering for groups based here. I was reassured of people’s generosity and open-heartedness, and welcomed to at least two voluntary groups within ten minutes.

But there was one surprise I had not expected. After the meeting, I was approached by an elderly gentleman, Doug. He asked me what I studied, and where - I answered him simply and honestly. At this point, he knew these answers, my name, a love for volunteering and an interest in trauma studies. He then asked me if I was considering ministry. Very curt, very short, very kindly spoken.

“Are you considering ministry?”

Such a simple question, and I have no idea how to reply. At the time, I said that I had not really considered it as a viable option up till now, and that I had to consider such questions further when the need arose. But here was a stranger, who knew so little about me, and yet saw something that caused him to ask that question. I didn’t think about the impact of this tiny question when I spoke, but now, I wonder what caused him to ask. Our elders often have wise words and vivacious advice to give - what did he see? There was another man in the coffee shop today who was speaking with a deaf elderly lady, who, he told me, was the wisest person he knew. If only I could see my choices with wide eyes, and see what lies ahead on the road of life.

I think at the moment, my answer to this four word question is… “Yes”. I am terrified, but overjoyed that someone might have seen enough in me, even as a stranger, to acknowledge that I might actually have a home as a minister within a church community. That I might have a gift for surrounding others with a sense of faith, in whichever form that may appear to them.

I feel blessed and valued by the strangers of this world, and judged by those closer by. How am I to understand that?

16 Feb, 2009 - Sunday Service: Evolving towards Enlightenment

Sunday morning service: Evolving towards Enlightenment:

Of course, a reference to Darwinian theory. The minister spoke of different stages of faith, and despite quite clearly disagreeing with many things that this particular theorist had to say, this was an interesting point. We are in a late stage of development, but certainly not in the last, at least not in my mind. The more I have lost my faith or questioned it, or driven myself mad with seeking, the more beautiful it is now I have found it. Perhaps that was the secret all along.

Beautiful story for the children this morning, about a sunflower seed representing the universe. The “everything seed”, which expands to grow into a wonderful universe, beyond time as everything that was and will be was contained in this little seed. So moving, I almost cried.

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This evening, I couldn’t help but repeat the research I have previously done into the ministry and various MA’s that might get me there. I am particularly struck by “Modern Theology”. Am I wise, or for that matter, brave enough to do that? Or perhaps a second undergraduate. But do I honestly want to do another undergraduate degree? I am not sure.

Living in Spirit:

A first meeting, in a small group with Gerta and several others who I am familiar with by face rather than name. To be honest, I joined for the good food that was freely available, as frankly, I was rather delighted not to have catered residence food for a lunch! We spoke of mindfulness and “living in the moment”, and how we intend to live in the moment in this day. People slowly began to open up and speak of their desires to live in the moment more successfully. I will write a meditation on this one in the next few days. It struck my heart, and not necessarily for the right reasons. But free food - what can I say!

18 Feb, 2009 - Human Doings

I heard a wonderful gentleman named Doug remark, as part of a Living in Spirit group on Sunday morning that “We are not human beings, but human doings.” I would agree. We are not human beings. We don’t know how to be. By this, I am not referring to the word human, rather, he was noting the little word “being”. We don’t stop to think about the meanings of that little word, parked onto the end of such a common phrase. “We are not human beings, but human doings”. How right he was!

I am terrible at being. A significant percentage of the world’s religious text profess to the glories of being, and yet whilst typing these deep theological musings, I profess to being wholly inadequate. I struggle to stop and think, to let go of the past and accept the chances and dangers of the future. I am sometimes unable to see the world through the eyes of a child - each glance filled with such wonder that even the slightest joys are noticed and welcomed. I am preoccupied with the laundry, the washing up, the work I have to do. That little To-Do list that is forever and inevitably expanding to encompass my whole world, my whole being. In all these doings, I lose my being.

Yet listening to the others in the group professing their need to live more in the moment, I felt rather uncomfortable. I personally, do not wish to live only in the moment. I love remembering the special moments of my past, reliving the moments, good and less so, that have shaped the person I have become, and a person I am proud to be. I cannot live without my past, nor can any of us do so. Equally, I cannot live without my dreams. My To-Do list of impossible proportions - all the places I will see, the loves I will have, the work I will do. I love imagining where I might be in five or ten years from now. Such a simple act as dreaming away my time, for me, is deeply worthwhile and keeps me following my heart. Even in the moment, I often struggle “being”. It has become easier to sit and meditate, but sometimes the clutter and noise of my daily live follows me into my solitude and sanctuary. The other day, I was plagued by reincarnations of Spice Girls hits from my younger years.

Even here, I have further problems. I am slightly ashamed to say, I love wasting my time, watching the odd piece of terrible television or listening to disastrous music hits, or reading a book designed for an eight year old. These things are part of my joys, part of my pleasures, and part of my being.

I have a new term to suggest. Instead of being in the moment, I would ask you all to consider “being in the moments”. That one little letter can encompass both our pasts and our futures, and allow us to forge a way onwards together.

I am a human doing. Yet to me, this brings to mind the whole glorious structure (or lack of it) of the UU’s. We have always been a group of social and political activists, of people who do not fear saying what needs to be said and seeking open and communal understanding of all things. We have environmental societies, coffee mornings, children’s groups, music and dance clubs and the general mayhem that springs so joyfully from our wonderful congregation. Thus, I encourage you all to wear this phrase with pride.

I am a human doing living with joy and compassion in all the moments of my life.

I remember the strengths and pains of my past, I delight in the dreams and courage that leads me into my future, I cherish the seconds I have in each second that I live them - and from the gift of all of these things, I act as a human doing, to change the world for the better, in any way I am able to try. I feel like shouting from the rooftops: I am a human doing!

So go into the world, and go from this moment with deepest happiness. Let us profess to brave and beautiful action, and become the doings of our world.

4 Feb, 2009 - A Call to Ministry

I am not going to explain here the rudimentaries of UUism, although along the way i'm sure i'll be tying it all in. This is simply a place for ministerial-style writings, meditations, new information and concepts that need their own space and manner.

I am not really sure what I am attempting to express here - but I need to get this out of my head and writing seems a convenient way to do this.

I am considering ministry.

I never thought I could ever write that. I certainly never thought I would. Frighteningly, I have found a congregation that I fit into, with a theological background that makes complete sense. All the obscure, different beliefs I have held for so long actually have a name to unify them.

But it is this fact that scares me even further. The idea of having a label, and a "home" where I don't need to escape from some kind of prejudice or difficulty. And suddenly, the love and apparent skill (100%) I held for theology when I studied it for my university exams has suddenly returned to me. Finally, a group of people who do not glare when you don't recite the Christian creeds and bow and scrape. I have been glared at by priests, shouted away from Churches and had so many people telling me that hell is my destination. There is quite some irony in the world for me to end up with a conservative Catholic, homophobic, slightly racist roommate, in a conservative Catholic college, complete with nuns.

I am afraid of labels, and boxes. But this seems to be a box with a universe beyond it; not a Christian, Buddist, Hindu, Sikh or cultish background, but rather a traditional faith that merits all faiths as representations of a wider scheme.

Suddenly, I am considering ministry, and ministering to those around me in the sense of open-minded kindness, without implying or forcing a closed creed. And I am so scared. And so welcomed.